You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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