Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
