Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
