is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
