my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
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