I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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