I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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