Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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