He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
