And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
