Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
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All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
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I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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