Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize