you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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