SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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