Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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