He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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