ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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