its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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