I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
