But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
