WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
