i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
