its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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