If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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