please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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