There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
