I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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