Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
