I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
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This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
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You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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