Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
