I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
