boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
