So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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