The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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