There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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