Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
