I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
