i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
