i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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