What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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