i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
