I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
