Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Ladies don't puke and tell
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
