Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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