The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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