Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
