very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
