im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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