My balls are so social today.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
