seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
