I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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