I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
