I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
