i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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