you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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