if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
try to milk me bitch
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