Im at strip club and am horny
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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