this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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