Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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