I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
